Abject Outage: Day 4

We continue our intensive coverage of what has now become known as The Great Abject Outage of Aught Thirteen.

It has now been 4 days since Brian Lamb closed down his Internet newsletter, or Webb-Log, leaving only this cryptic message:

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There was no further explanation. Cryptographic and steganographic analysis of the message have turned up no clues. There is no indication of what is meant by the number “509”. Is it a prophesy of the number of days until Mr. Lamb will return? A portion of a numbered Swiss bank account? An area code? If so, it suggests that Lamb and his followers may be hiding in the Cascade mountains of America, a short drive south from his last known hideout.

His followers, now lost and confused without his daily missives, have been holding nightly candlelight vigils in an attempt to make sense of Lamb’s opaque message. Some describe it as a symptom of existential crisis, that Chairman Lamb has, to use the words of one devotee who asked to remain anonymous, “flown too close to the sun.”

Others point out that this is likely not the case, as Lamb is most certainly human, or post-human, and likely has no innate capacity for flight.

After reaching one follower in his compound in the state of Virginia, wherever the hell that is, I mean is that even a real place?, Reverend Jim had only this to say: “Bandwidth exceeded? What kind of bullshit is that? I want the TRUTH! I AM THE TRUTH!”

Um. Ok.

We were able to contact another follower, identified only as “Cogg Dogg”, in an airport at an undisclosed location. When asked about the Abjectopalypse, Mr. Dogg said “Look. Freak. I’ve told you like 20 times already. I don’t know. Probably just something on his server or something. I’m busy, man. These GIFs don’t make themselves.”

Two generals of The Abject Army. Leaderless. Dazed. Confused. Trying to cope in any way they know how. GIFturbating relentlessly, endlessly, and apparently tirelessly, in a futile attempt to fill the void left by the apparent closure of Lamb’s news-letter.

And still, we are left wondering about the meaning of the cryptic message. Bandwidth exceeded. Indeed, our collective bandwidth has been exceeded.

Join us tomorrow, for what will likely be Day 5 of this long, global tragedy. Mr. Lamb, why have you foresaken us in our time of need? Our roving reporters are en route to the rugged mountains northeast of Kamloops BC, where Chairman Lamb was last spotted. It is rumoured that he has been hiding in this mountainous region, perhaps in a secluded cave or even, some have gone so far as to speculate, in the home of an Abject sympathizer.

Update: As of 9:19am Pacific, our long global nightmare is over. Abject is now back online.

3 thoughts on “Abject Outage: Day 4”

  1. A careful haruspex of the sacrificial twitter bird reveals that Chairman Lamb’s intentions are two-fold.

    First, it appears a period of mourning is in order, as the Abject news letter has succumb the temptations of pharmaceutical injections. This in itself is understandable, who indeed, would not desire “loss of awkwardness” and to “acquire proficiency” without a prescription? The web blog may have kept company with some naughty plug-ins, who, even when not activated, have a penchant for malice and unwieldy influence.

    Second, but much more important for those followers of the Great Abject, should inspect the last web log news letter post.

    This is of great import, for only those who take their intellectual nourishment from the Feed are privy to the secret messages deeply hidden within the “five-oh-nine”, which loosely translated may mean, “Take heed, take heed, don’t forget to read your RSS feed”

    Long live ABJECT! Viva RSS!

    1. An anonymous tip suggests a more direct connection between Chairman Lamb and the shadowy online pharmaceutical industry may be at play. It is unclear at this time what the relationship may be, or if it is merely a supply channel for gonzo edtech reportage.

      509 Forever! Heed the Feed!

      1. I meant to link to the pharmaceutical industry article, which holds many additional clues; some excerpts include: “steidle impotence”, “august letters” and interestingly, something about “PAY DAY loans”!

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